i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
where am i from again
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
