so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
