Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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