dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
