There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
