Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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