I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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