Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
