So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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