Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize