Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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