beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
