Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
