On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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