I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
