after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
