last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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