hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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