Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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