I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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