if i can run in heels then i can drive
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
