why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
