i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
