i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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