I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
