I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
