just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Randomize