the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
