Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
