so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
