I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
