her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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