Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
