saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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