Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
