If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
