whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
