not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
