It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
