I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am available for nakedness
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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