I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
