Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
