My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
