My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dignity is for republicans.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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