the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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