I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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