I wish my penis had an off switch
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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