Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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