i jhust puked up my retainher.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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