Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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