She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
