I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
