Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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