If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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