my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
