More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize